RING, RING, RING - PLEASE HOLD, THERE’S SOMEONE MORE IMPORTANT TO TALK TO . . .

I love new technology. I enjoy most of what new technology has to offer. The operative word here is "most."

Take the telephone as an example. Fifty years ago, Ma Bell provided you with a basic black rotary dial phone with options of a private line or a party line. Technology today offers a wide choice of telephones and services — all colors and all shapes to meet the most discriminating and bizarre tastes imaginable. There are fun "fones," sports’ phones, animal phones, neon phones, cordless phones, wall phones, and, well, you get the picture.

I don’t know what it is that makes us eager to purchase telephones that are so wild. The telephone is an instrument that serves only only one purpose — it rings, we answer it. We talk into it and we hear out of it. We really just want to "reach out and touch someone." This fits into the same category as people who have those "designer" checks printed. You know the ones I mean -- the ones with flowers, scenery, etc. Hey folks, a check is a legal document and should reflect that image. It’s all so silly. What about those people who spend a tremendous amount of money for articles of clothing bearing someone else’s name on it — you know, all those manufacturers that charge you exorbitant prices for advertising their name on your shoes, sneakers, and clothing. Just recently a friend of mine told me that every time she gave her husband a gift, he would say "I sure hope you didn’t get me more hand-me-downs? I’m sick and tired of wearing Calvin Klein’s and Ralph Lauren’s clothes.

Okay, so back to the telephone. The new phone technology is really quite terrific. You can have an individual ring for each member of your family, an answering service, conference call option, call forwarding, and caller ID. I just love that caller ID — especially for those folks who call and hang up. I now know who you are. However, the service I find most offensive is "call waiting." It really bugs me more than I can express. Have you ever called someone and they say "Oh, please hold on, I have another call." On a good day, you may you wait and wait and be told "Sorry, to keep you waiting." Yeah right! I’m paying for the call and you put me on hold for God knows how long? Worse than that, the person takes that other call which subliminally says "Oh I’ll have to call you back. I’m talking to someone who is more important than you." I think not. Basically, I really believe just putting you on "hold" for any reason is intrinsically rather rude. I’ve argued this until I am blue in the face. Proponents of call waiting say that it is a great tool especially when your kids are trying to reach you or for an emergency. Come on, how many times has this happened? Whether you call me or I call you, please don’t put me on hold to talk to someone else. My ego is much too fragile and I really can’t handle the rejection.

One more thing, when you do call me, press or say "1" if you agree with me. Press or say "2" if you like call waiting. Press or say "3" if you really don’t give a hoot. Press or say "4" to return to the original menu unless you have another call waiting.

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