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Well it’s started — the migration of northerners. It’s that time of year when Gnu Yawkers are tired of taking a bite out of the "Big Apple" and are yearning for a bite of sun ripened oranges and free hotel accommodations. This exodus can be down right blatant or politely subtle. In any case, entire families arrive with suitcases, van, children, and dirty clothes. It’s like "I was just driving around in the neighborhood and we thought we would stop by and say hello. I guess that might come under the heading "politely subtle?" Of course, there is the occasional visitor who comes to Florida for a family celebration — like a wedding — and then proceeds to stay two weeks. I had, whoops, I mean now "have" such a visitor. A dear friend, from Lawn Guyland, came to Florida for her niece’s wedding. Since her arrival, my calm, peaceful, quiet home hasn’t been the same. The wedding took all of six hours from ceremony to reception. However, the remainder of the 312 hours or 18,720 minutes or 1,123,200 seconds (but who’s counting) were mine — all mine. What a difference thirteen days can make. I am exhausted. Preparation for her visit included heating the pool to a warm 92 <. Of course, like any good hostess, food shopping was a high priority since I did want to accommodate her strict dietary requirements. Actually, I didn’t put up much objection to the pool and/or the food. I did get to use the pool every morning by 7:30 am (yes, I said 7:30). Then there was a dip or two in the afternoon (when we weren’t out shopping) and a mandatory evening plunge at 11:00 pm. I can’t imagine what my Florida Power and Light bill will be. Her dietetic requirements were okay with me too — lots of fruits, vegetables, and chicken (no skin, of course.) Who knows, maybe I too will lose a a pound or two during her visit.I soon found out, pre preparation for her impending visit was the very least of my problems. Because of her job she had to be in "constant" contact with her office as well as with the electronic and print media throughout the country. To that end, she monopolized my telephones, fax machine, computer, and me. I was her virtual pro tem secretary. Would you believe, I even changed my voice mail to "If you are trying to reach, Vicky, please leave a message after the tone, If you want to FAX her, please FAX her at blah, blah, blah. As if that wasn’t enough, as I am composing this column, she is editing it You see, my dear friend was an newspaper editor for more than twenty years. I guess, bad habits apparently are hard to break. Great, I now have two editors overseeing my literary hyperbole. House Guest Editor’s Response: Let’s start with my host’s computer. Have you ever tried to type on a computer on which the keys are unmarked? I guess they have been worn off by her many pro bono efforts in South Florida. Have you ever picked up a phone to make a few hundred phone calls only to find that your host actually wanted to use it. At times, she even thought she could get a FAX on her machine. What’s fair is fair, you must remember I still am gainfully employed and contributing to her retirement by paying income taxes and partial payment of her monthly social security stipend. I am constantly reminded that she is a poor old lady living on a fixed income. Yeah, right! We won’t even discuss the number of times I have taken her out to lunch and to dinner. She may be afraid of her Florida Power and Light bill, but I assure you my American Express bill will go through the roof this month. So see, it’s a wash. Vicky: "Now that you finished your column, may I please have some coffee?" Marianne: "How do you want it, black with Sweet and Low?"
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House
Guest from Hell